Behind the sea.

It's the weirdest thing, but I think I might have doubts of John and my relationship. I don't know, like, we don't seem close as I thought we were. And somethimes he can be so damn immature when I'm serious about my issues. But now I guess I know where Alex was coming from when we broke up. It's so hard just to admit that I might not like him like I thought I did. I guess I was distracted by the fact I wanted to show Alex I was moving on and that I'm no longer in need of him. I know some people read my blog, and I know John doesn't. So, whoever reads this, do not tell him this.

I repeat:

DO NOT TELL HIM.

This is going to make me look bad, and Katie is going to think this is cause of Nathan. It's not, I just think John and I were better off friends anyways. But I will not break up with him at this time. I'm more reasonable than that, but I don't know when it's the time. I never broke up with anyone before (only exception was Travi and Peter), so this is hard for me. I've rejected guys, but I never had the guts to tell a guy it's over. Only to think the guy will just abuse me afterwards, I know he wouldn't though. It's just so fucking hard to tell him that I don't think this was the greatest idea. Sometimes I just want to crawl up into a corrner and cry my goddamn eyes out.

And the only person I've told this to was Travi. As much as he wishes to be here and help me get through this. This is where I wish Peter was also here to understand. I want to cry so bad right now, but I can't. And I know this might hurt John more than it will hurt me. I don't even know why I even bother with boyfriends, I guess it's cause I like having that shoulder to lean on in times of desperation. I don't even know if I was happier when I was single or when I was with a boyfriend. Well, whatever. I have enough shit in my life to deal with as it is.

Well, caio.

-ariel xo